Day 6 of 16 Days of Activism - Narcissistic Abuse
This article is written by Janette Hermann, a Social Worker in Private Practice, a Sessional Worker at The Teddy Bear Foundation, and an advocate for Children’s Rights and the Prevention of Gender-Based Violence and Femicide. Through my professional role in outreach programmes addressing Gender-Based Violence and Femicide (GBVF) and my personal experience surviving narcissistic abuse, I aim to raise awareness about toxic relationships and the manipulation tactics of narcissistic abusers.
For years, I remained silent about the physical, emotional, and coercive control I endured in my marriage to a narcissistic partner. While I am not diagnosing him as narcissistic, my experience in this field and work with several victims and offenders suggest that he presented with traits of narcissistic personality. Like many victims, I was isolated from family and friends, manipulated into believing I could never leave, and subjected to public humiliation while no one stood up against the abuse.
Despite enduring cycles of gaslighting, coercion, and betrayal, I eventually found the courage to leave. However, the abuse didn’t stop there. Even today, I have nightmares and experience severe anxiety when I pass his workplace or am near his residence. Sometimes these encounters trigger anxiety attacks. As Dr Bessel van der Kolk explains in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma leaves its imprint on the body and mind—a truth I continue to experience firsthand.
What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse occurs in relationships where one partner exerts power and control through physical violence, emotional manipulation, and coercive tactics. Coercive control—a pattern of domination through threats, isolation, and psychological abuse—forms the foundation of many toxic relationships (Stark, 2007). Narcissistic abusers use their charm to dominate, isolate, and exploit their partners, often leaving victims feeling powerless and trapped.
Key Traits of Narcissistic Abuse in Toxic Relationships
Narcissistic abuse includes a range of behaviours aimed at controlling, manipulating, and breaking down the victim’s sense of self. Abusers often target loved ones, including children and pets, to reinforce their power. Below are key traits of narcissistic abuse, with examples to illustrate their impact:
1. Coercive Control
Using threats, intimidation, or constant monitoring to dominate and restrict freedom.
Demanding updates on whereabouts and forcing explanations for unanswered messages.
Threatening harm to the victim, their children, or pets if demands are not met.
Constantly criticising decisions to make the victim feel incapable of independence.
2. Physical Violence
Using physical force to intimidate or assert power.
Pushing, hitting, or physically restraining during arguments.
Inflicting injuries and blaming the victim, saying, “You made me do this.”
Destroying objects or harming pets as a way to instil fear or punish.
3. Gaslighting
Making the victim question their reality, memories, or feelings.
Denying abusive incidents, claiming the victim is “imagining things.”
When questioned about infidelity, responding with accusations like, “You’re paranoid. It’s all in your head.”
Hiding personal items and insisting the victim misplaced them, causing self-doubt.
4. Isolation
Deliberately cutting the victim off from family, friends, or support networks.
Prohibiting family members or friends from visiting under the guise of their “bad behaviour.”
Convincing the victim that loved ones don’t care or are a bad influence.
Discouraging participation in social or professional activities to ensure dependency.
5. Emotional Manipulation
Using guilt, blame, or affection to maintain control.
Showering the victim with gifts after abusive incidents, creating confusion and false hope.
Blaming the victim for abuse, saying, “If you weren’t so difficult, this wouldn’t happen.”
Threatening self-harm to coerce the victim into compliance.
6. Public Humiliation
Belittling or criticising the victim in front of others.
Making degrading jokes about the victim’s appearance or intelligence in public.
Sharing private details to embarrass the victim in social settings.
Pretending to apologise publicly while subtly shifting blame.
7. Cycles of Abuse and Idealisation
Alternating between affection and abuse to keep the victim emotionally trapped.
Lavishing the victim with compliments and gifts after abusive episodes.
Damaging property or harming pets as a way to punish during periods of devaluation.
Withdrawing affection and then returning with grand gestures to manipulate emotions.
8. Financial Abuse
Restricting access to money or resources to control the victim.
Forcing the victim to hand over earnings or denying access to bank accounts.
Withholding money for basic needs, such as food or transport.
Controlling household expenses and criticising the victim for financial irresponsibility.
9. Using Children and Animals to Hurt the Victim
Exploiting the victim’s love for children or pets to manipulate or punish them.
Threatening to take custody of children or turning them against the victim with lies.
Hurting or neglecting pets to emotionally distress the victim.
Using children as pawns in arguments, such as saying, “If you leave, you’ll ruin their lives.”
Recognising Abuse
A relationship becomes toxic when one partner consistently undermines the other’s self-esteem, independence, and emotional well-being. Warning signs include feeling trapped, being constantly criticised or belittled, losing your support network, and experiencing physical, emotional, or coercive abuse. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward breaking free.
Breaking Free and Reclaiming Your Voice
Breaking free from a toxic relationship is one of the hardest decisions a person can make, but it is also the most empowering. It took me years of therapy, self-help courses, and the support of friends, colleagues, and mentors to rebuild my confidence. For a long time, I saw red flags in everyone and struggled to trust others. I learned to differentiate between the pain inflicted on me and the reality of others’ intentions, allowing me to rebuild healthy relationships and reclaim my independence.
Narcissistic Abuse and Gender-Based Violence
The power dynamics in narcissistic abuse often mirror those in Gender-Based Violence. Research by Stark (2007) on coercive control explains how abusers use physical and non-physical tactics—such as isolation, intimidation, and psychological manipulation—to dominate their victims. Women are disproportionately affected, as societal norms often discourage them from leaving or seeking help (Dobash & Dobash, 2004).
What Can You Do?
Recognise the Signs: Understanding narcissistic abuse is the first step toward breaking free.
Build a Support Network: Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professional counsellors.
Seek Professional Help: Therapy and support groups can help rebuild your confidence and process trauma.
Educate Yourself: Learn about your rights and resources for victims of abuse.
Break the Silence: Sharing your story can help others feel less alone and encourage healing.
A Message to Survivors
If you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, know that your voice matters. You deserve safety, respect, and love, and you are not alone. Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy, but it is the first step toward healing. Together, we can break the cycle of abuse, support one another, and create a society where no one has to suffer in silence.
References
Dobash, R. E., & Dobash, R. (2004). Women's violence to men in intimate relationships: Working on a puzzle. British Journal of Criminology, 44(3), 324-349.
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
Walker, L. E. (1979). The Battered Woman. Harper & Row.
Day 6 of 16 Days of Activism: Unmasking Narcissistic Abuse – The Silent Destroyer
Narcissistic abuse is a devastating form of emotional and psychological manipulation often hidden in plain sight. Perpetrated by individuals with narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), this type of abuse can systematically dismantle a victim’s confidence, sense of reality, and mental health. The impacts are severe and long-lasting, leading many victims to experience anxiety, depression, isolation, and even suicidal ideation.
Today, on Day 6 of the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, we delve into the manipulative tactics used by narcissistic abusers, the signs to watch for, and the resources available worldwide, including South Africa, to help victims break free and rebuild their lives.
Eye-Opening Statistics on Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is alarmingly prevalent, yet it remains underreported due to its subtle nature and societal misconceptions:
Globally, it’s estimated that up to 6.2% of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, with the majority of cases involving abusive behaviors.
Victims of narcissistic abuse are at a higher risk of developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), with studies showing that 40% of survivors exhibit trauma-related symptoms.
Suicide rates among survivors of narcissistic abuse are significant. Research indicates that individuals exposed to long-term emotional abuse are 70% more likely to consider suicide.
Resources for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse
In South Africa
Rise Against Domestic Violence SA
A non-profit offering legal advice, counseling, and support for survivors of abuse, including narcissistic abuse.
Website: Rise Against Domestic Violence SA
Lifeline South Africa
24/7 crisis support for victims of abuse.
Contact: 0861 322 322
South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG)
Provides mental health support and suicide prevention resources.
Contact: 0800 567 567
Global Resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)
Offers confidential support for abuse survivors.
Contact: 1-800-799-7233
Women's Aid (UK)
Provides resources and support for women experiencing abuse.
Contact: 0808 2000 247
Safe Horizon (USA)
Provides comprehensive support for abuse survivors.
Contact: 1-800-621-4673
Lifeline (Australia)
Crisis support and suicide prevention services.
Contact: 13 11 14
Today’s Challenge: Break the Silence on Narcissistic Abuse
Share This Post
Use your platform to spread awareness about narcissistic abuse and its devastating impact.
Use the Hashtags
#16DaysOfActivism, #NarcissisticAbuse, #EndGBV, and #RiseTogether to amplify the message.
Support Survivors
Donate to or volunteer with organizations that help victims of abuse.
Educate Your Community
Host discussions or share resources to help others recognize and address narcissistic abuse.
Every Voice Matters
Narcissistic abuse is a silent epidemic that destroys lives, often leaving victims feeling isolated and unheard. By shining a light on this issue, we can break the cycle of manipulation and empower survivors to reclaim their lives.
Let’s commit to supporting victims—not just during these 16 days, but every single day.
#16DaysOfActivism #NarcissisticAbuse #MentalHealthAwareness #RiseTogether
